awkward.

The awkward season ended. NOOOOOO. That was my only happiness in life. Well, that and tumblr. Shet.

Okay, on with my life in the past few days. I'm going to put this one way, and one way only: I hate my life. And myself. I'm going to be honest here, I have never really liked myself. I have low self-esteem, I think I'm ugly as a mofo, and I just hate my life. My parents expect me to be perfect, my friends are not even really my friends, I don't have a bf, and my brother and sister never have my back. Which concludes why my life sucks. Seriously.

I am so tired of hiding in a shell, and not letting myself out there. Like home-coming for instance. I would love to dance at homecoming but I'm so concerned what other people are going to think of me I keep myself from having fun. and I make myself sick. I was bullied in middle school so that's why i am so tramatized from those experiences.

But I don't care anymore. I'm tired of living my life like this. I feel like I am going to become a catlady and die alone. :( My mom says I will probably never get married or have children because I am "..so effing selfish."

Okay, let me get this straight. If I was selfish, I would get everything I want my way. But I have never had anything my way before. And i'm selfish because I "complained that the sun was in my eyes." I was TELLING HER the sun was in my eyes, not COMPLAINING. Ugh. People. And now she is mad at me and doesn't want to walk to me. And my friend T is wanting to come over today so hopefully my mom won't be mad the whole day. Oh, and I went on a long walk today! It finally feels like fall now! YAY! :)

Until then my lovely readers,

Lauren.

Ps. Happy October <3

lucky stuff.

Hello beautiful,

Have any of you guys ever had a lucky peice of clothing? Like shoes or a jacket that make you have a good day? Well I have a lucky shirt and sweater. For some reason, every time I wore one of them I have a good day. It's really weird. Like the sweater is a pink one, crewneck from forever21. I guess cause it just makes me feel really confident or something? And the other one is a sky blue A&F v-neck. And I wore it today and it felt like I just had such a good day. And I NEVER HAVE good days. So thats weird.

Except my friend did joke on me and said "Oh you trying to be knock off polo." And if you don't know what that means, they are pretty much saying I'm wearing a knock off ralph lauren polo brand shirt. Okay first, if you looked at the label close enough on the breast pocket it's a MOOSE not a guy on a horse with a polo stick. Ugh, people..

I'm not trying to brag or anything about the brand. Thats actually the one peice of A&F clothing I have since its so damn expensive but I got it on sale. Idk, I find it to be cute. But overall, I had a pretty good day. I made a god comeback at this annoying guy who always touches my hair in chemistry and the whole class laughed. Which is rare since I am horrible at good comebacks. But I was pissed so I said whatever. Oh don't worry, it wasn't bullying. Usually he is the "bully-er."

Afterschool I spent all day at my bestfriend *germanhorse's* house. Had a fun time with her, she never fails to make me laugh. We talked pretty much the whole time, laughed, and ate food. The usual. And then I came home, ate some left over noodles, and WA-LA. I'm right here, talking to my lovely readers. If I even have any? Hm, I wonder if anyone even reads this blog? Or am I just talking to myself. Okay, I'm rambling now. Kbye.

Until then my lovely readers,

Lauren.

Ps. This question has been bothering me... if space had gravity then where would the the planets fall? It wouldn't make sense since space is neverending? So would we feel it if the world was falling to pretty much no where? LOL, the questions I think of..

** for arguements sake I will start changing all the peopl'e names in this blog to something random since I would die if anyone found this blog. *germanhorse is my bestfriend btw. :)

the perfect one.

Hey pretty darlings,
Have you ever dreamed of your perfect guy? Of your future boyfriend? Will he have green or brown eyes? Black or red hair? Tall? Short? His personlity? I have. I wonder, what he will be like. At least once a day I think about him...whoever that may be. You see, I never had a real official boyfriend. I never had a guy tell me they loved me, nor have I said it to anyone by my friends and family. I have never had my first kiss... or first anything for that matter. I've been given a couple of oppurtunities but I always end up screwing everything up. That's just me.
But it's embarassing to me. It's something I lie about constantly. Not one person except my cousin, sister, and mom know the truth about it. I told everyone it happened in 6th grade to save myself the embarassment. I mean, it's really pathetic to me. And everyone tells me "oh the right guy will come, be patient, BLAH BLAH BLAH." Shut up. No, seriously. -__-
I hate it when people tell me that, I am tired of being patient. I screw everything up and I think I'm going to die alone as a cat lady. It sometimes makes me cry just thinking about it... ;(
I sound like a loser, and in my opinion...I probably am. I have plently of friends socially wise, but personally I think I'm a loser. Point blank. I would never have the balls to do something daring or risky. Kiss a guy I just met, or kiss a guy in genral for that matter. I need a miralce in my life. I need my "Jacob or Edward" to come save me and show me there is more to this world then sitting in a jail cell full of ignorant peers for 8 hours, 5 days a week. Yeah, school is a jail cell.
It really depresses me to be honest. I never know who my real friends are. I probably mentioned that in every single post on this blog so far. I guess it can be a bit annoying.
I think I am going to make some pasta now, I'm hungry.

Until then my lovely and beautiful readers,
Lauren

Ps. Thinking of changing the blog name, I don't think "the brunette girl" really describes much about my blog. :P

it's been awhile.

Hello my lovely readers,
it has been quite some time since I last posted, but school has made me busy and friends. I have TONS of homework now and my friend comes over alot afterschool. Lately, school has made me really sick of people. Like everyone seems so fake to me, it just URKS my nerves. I feel like I'm becomming forgotten, and it's a sickening feeling. I'm always so used just for other people's personal selfishness. It makes me sick - like I said.
I feel so alone in school most of the time, I feel like such a loser sometimes. And I'm so AWKWARD. I always end up making everything awkward...it really sucks. And I can't even get a guy in this messed up, corrupted school. I mean, most of them are ignorant anyway and hardly any of them are cute but still. It makes me feel worthless at times.
It doesn't matter because I think i'm ugly. At first I talked myself out of saying that about myself, and alot of my close friends don't think so.... but that's their job to tell me that! They are not going to tell me I'm really ugly. I only know this is true because my sister said alot of her friends come up to her in school and say I look like I have down syndrome. No offense to the people with this condition, but technically they think I'm slow and ugly. I by NO means are saying that people with this issue are ugly, but the people saying this to me and intending this obviously. Okay, I'm getting really technical but whatever.
They also say that I look high half the time. Let me get this straight - I have never done drugs, nor will I ever.. I hope. Most of the time, I am quiet and to myself and I don't act like a high person. So why do people think I'm high? IGNORANT PEOPLE. That's why.
If your ugly on the inside then your ugly on the outside. And I'm sorry, I know people say you only say that if your ugly but you know it's true. I immediatly find someone very unattractive if they are rude and disrespectful.
School again tomarrow... Will I survive?

Until then my lovely readers,
Lauren.

The school blues

Another day of school. Today was the 3rd day of junior year, and day 1 schedule again. Classes weren't as boring like the first day. Today I wore a indigo cropped top over a tank (stupid dress code), some jeans with rips at the knees, moccasins, feather earrings, and hair loosely waved again. It was a really boho inspired outfit, I really liked it. I had my first homework today but I finished it in spanish class because I don't have to anything in that class since it's spanish 2 and i'm supposed to be in spanish 3!
It was just basic algebra 2 stuff. And then in US history I talked the whole time with my friend, she gave me a peice of gum, and we walked with our arms linked when we were walking to lunch. But we lost eachother in the lunch line so I went to sit with some other friends and talked and ate a poptart. I can't remember my lunch number so I haven't been eating lunch at school for awhile. Then last class I went to art and did this get to know eachother thing with people in class. I learned 6 peoples named, yay.
Other than that, a pretty chill day. My first quiz is next monday for US history about the 13 colonies, pretty simple. And then I have another one in chemistry the next day. Not too hard, just lab equipment. I really want to start studying for school, even though I aleady make good grades. Can't wait for tomarrow either, I love day 2. I have all the best classes (:
I can feel this is going to be a good school year, I really hope so! I'm really keeping up with my apperances, and trying hard in school now. I'm making more friends easily too now. I miss alot of my friends from last year though, but I guess everyone moves on. It just feels like everything is moving slow, everyday I wake up, go to school, get home, do HW, computer, tv time, dinner, get ready for the next day, sleep. It's like a repeating process and so boring. I feel like I need to check my tumblr soon, it's been awhile. I know, I get off topic alot but this is my blog right? my rules.
Oh and a really nice guy talked to me on the bus today, he was in my english class last year and soo funny. This year is really looking up, I can feel it. I really just hope they don't change my schedule around, I think I would cry! D:

A Change of Schedule

Today was day dos of back to school. But it was just like day uno because we had all new classes. We have a block schedule at my school so we have 8 classes in all, but 4 classes a day. Lets just say I loved this day better than the first. One, I liked my outfit better - medium wash skinnnies, floral tunic top, brown braided flip flops, and a brown belt. And my makeup - I did a winged liner with a natural sparkly golden, rosy cheeks, mascara, and some nude lipstick. My hair was loosely curled (I didn't bother recurling it from the first today because I liked the loost beachy waves it gave) and had side swept bangs. My sister didn't cut my bangs last night because I found a way to get my bangs to "swoop" really cutely. :)

I actually felt like I was getting looked at today, I was just overall confident. Mostly because in my chemistry class I have my best friend who is a girl, my best guy friend, another girl friend, and some cute guys in there. Score! Which I never get in my classes. The one thing that sucked was that I was chewing gum and it got stuck in my teeth (cause I have brace unfortunatly) and someone pointed it out to me. But besides that, a pretty good day.

I just hate that they screwed up my schedule big time! Like they put me in art animation, which I didn't sign up for! Its actually a pretty good class, but kind of boring. I think I'm going to switch into AP ART History whcih sounds cool, and you get college credit since its AP. And I love the teacher who teaches it because she was my art teacher when I was a freshman. Plus, she said that if I take this now, I won't have to take this in college! Another thing is that they put me in spanish 2 when I am supposed to be in spanish 3. And its super boring because I learned all this crap already.

ANNNND, they also put my in basic design when I am supposed to be in journalism! Since thats what I want to be when I grow up. And I took basic design as a freshman with that teacher that teaches AP art like I said. So yes, my schedule is screwed up! I really really hope they don't change any of my second day classes though because I really really like them. I LOVE AP english because the teacher taught me in honors english as a freshman so I'm getting alot of my teachers back! :) Just hope they don't change my lunches around either. I love those too.

Oh, did I mention I'm in this digital input class? Basically its a business keyboarding class and I was the only one to get a 100! And they have a future business leaders of america club which I want to join because I have not joined any clubs since starting highschool and that will not look good for college! I'm not sure what you do, but my school has won nationals every year and if you win you get a big check and get to go to disneyworld for free and free food! And plus, the club goes to other amustment parks in may and stuff, So excited. So, I think I will stop rambling and go now. (:

Until then,

xo Lauren

Surviving Highschool

I KNOW I said I would keep up with this blog, but something utterly disturbing recently happened. I got grounded. (insert scary music right here.) Yes, for many reasons - according to my parents. But whatever, I get grounded alot so I'm used to it. I'll dedicate another post to that. Got my phone taken away on friday, got it back on saturdau for being good all day. Then got the computer back today! Yipee for me. LOL, I recently been obssessing with writing on my blog. I used to just use this as a wishlist, but that got kind of boring.

So today was my first day of JUNIOR YEAR. Yes, as in highschool. The place we can't live without, but hate at the same time. I have a big love/hate relationship with highschool. In one aspect, I HATE IT. Completely hate it. Hate getting up early, hate dealing with all the kids at school who think they are the shet when really; THEY'RE NOT. Sorry for the rant. I hate the homework, the classwork, being too cold in one class, too hot in the next. Again.. rambling.

And on another note, I LOVE IT. I get away from home for awhile, don't have to think about all the things I need to do, not have to think about watching this little girl (my stepdad's grandaughter) that lives with us, don't have to think about my brother or sister or even my dogs. I can socialize a bit, talk with some "friends." Truthfully though, I don't have friends. Like REAL REAL friends. I feel like people use me alot of the times. I feel like I am only that person people talk to if there is no one else to talk to. Lemme tell you, it's annoying as a mofo. I feel like such a used dirty towel sometimes.

Oh god, I sound like a loser. I'm really not though to tell you the truth. I have people to sit with at lunch, people to talk to in classes, but I don't have a REAL FRIEND. A person to tell everything to; your secrets, your day, your complaints - without them thinking your a weirdo. I know, I know. Your going to say "you always have your mom or your sister blah blah blah". But, its not easy to tell everything to them. Especially if your living in a house with a ALOT OF PEOPLE. News travels around fast, let me tell you that. Okay okay, off subject.

So, today I wore a bodycon skirt - black from H&M. And a tucked in grey v-neck, a brown string bracelet, some amberish colored stud earrings, and some strappy silver sandals. A pretty good back to school outfit, a bit overdressed though. Tomarrow I think I'm going for a floral flowy tunic, some skinny jeans, and probably flip flops. And I wore my hair curled today but it POOOFED from the humidity so I think I'm going to straighten it for tomarrow. My sister is going to cut my bangs today. Kinda like choppy indie bangs - you know the ones you see in tumblr pics? Yeah, those. They are pretty sweeett in my opionion.

Well, off to go eat some late dinner, do my hair, and then surf through youtube.

Until then my lovely readers,

Lauren xo.